I see most of the films I review at one cinema, and as a result there are some other regular patrons I often bump into. Occasionally I'll exchange a word or two with them, but I don't think any of us are the most social creatures. But even if you don't see regulars at the cinema, I'm sure most people recognise that there are certain types of patron you will always get, no matter what cinema you go to. So in a more light-hearted Feature, I've come up with a few of my favourite patron stereotypes.

Guy and Girl

It seems obvious to say it, but you see this duo a lot when you go to see romantic comedies. She has inevitably chosen the film, and he inevitably doesn't really want to be there. But what's interesting is that despite his probable dislike of the film, he'll have the nicest things to say about it when it's over. Curious, that. Note that he always runs the risk of looking like a prat if they go to see a horror instead though. I actually saw a relationship crumble away in front of my eyes when a chap who had brought his girlfriend to see Hostel spent the entire film screaming and holding onto her for dear life.

Doris and Muriel

Doris and Muriel have a combined age of 256, and have trouble hearing. They're relatively harmless, and will often be found watching films involving period costumes and stately homes, but they also feel the need to make sure the other one is always aware of what is going on. Therefore, they will repeat dialogue, usually quite loudly, and will explain the plot for the benefit of everyone else in the cinema. They also always bring food in from outside the cinema; this is no bad thing, and I often do it myself. But I do not bring sweets that are wrapped up in 17 layers of sticky paper.

The Back-seat Tutters

This can be a couple or a lone individual, but they always attend a very quiet showing at about 3pm, and sit down right behind you. It doesn't matter that there are 400 spare seats in the place - the seat they always wanted was the one right behind you. Not content with annoying you through their very presence alone, the Tutters will very quietly (although not inaudibly) whisper to each other, and their comments are always negative. They will also quietly (although again, not inaudibly) groan at least twice during the film, and general tutting is a guaranteed occurrence.

The Mobile Fool

This person is difficult to stereotype because I've seen them in all age groups and from all walks of life. But the one thing they share is an inability to press the 'Off' button on their phone. Maybe they lack thumbs or something, but to me it seems like a pretty straightforward exercise. And when the phone does ring, they do of course express a certain amount of indignation. However, their indignation, which will always be expressed loudly, isn't to do with the fact that they've pissed everyone else off, but rather that they now have to go through the apparently tricky and laborious rigmarole of answering it or turning it off. Accomplishing such tasks is tricky when you're a certified idiot.

The Gaggle

This will consist of teenagers, male or female, usually of an age which prevents them from actually driving to the cinema. You get the impression that they'd much rather be somewhere else, because they pay little attention to the big shiny screen in front of them, and instead amuse themselves by talking, throwing popcorn at each other or making phone calls. They can often be found in showings of 18-rated films after buying tickets for the latest Lindsay Lohan bore-fest, and will always sit on the very back row.

Stray Children

Going to the cinema as a family can be a fantastic experience, but too many parents think that the job of a film is to babysit their children for a couple of hours. For half an hour or so the parents will try to impose a modicum of discipline, by making sure the children are quiet, not fighting and not fidgeting. But beyond this point their policy changes to one of anything goes, and the children will inevitably get up, walk around the room, play games with each other in the aisles, and generally annoy everyone but their own parents. Glowering doesn't seem to work on these children, but one loud shout of "sit down" usually does the trick. Note that this sometimes results in their inept parents having a go at you during or after the showing, but it's still worth it.

Captain Better Than You

Again, this can be a lone person or an individual in a pair or group, but there isn't often more than one of them in theatre. They can be either sex, and are usually aged between 20-35. The Captain will read a book before the trailers begin, usually something by Proust, and if he's with associates he will complain to them once the lights have gone down that it's too dark to read said book. He is prone to the occasional conversation during the film, often using words like "milieu" and "pastiche", and he will say them loudly enough to make sure you hear. He wants you to know that he knows these words, and that he uses them in general conversation. He will often be wearing a scarf of some kind, and if you listen carefully you'll be able to hear him claim he's the only person who truly understands 2001: A Space Odyssey.

In truth I could go on with these, but I think that might give the impression that I don't like films or going to the cinema, when clearly I do. It's fun to vent from time to time though. If you have any of your own then please add your suggestions to the FilmJudge Blog.

© David Mercier
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