This more light-hearted Feature will, quite literally, be about some of filmic things that boggle my mind. From technology to artists, from awards to gossip; there are some things that either elude or frustrate me, and I'm going to share some of them with you now.

Portable DVD Players

As I type this, I am sitting opposite someone on the train who is watching The Fellowship of the Ring on a screen about the size of a piece of toast. Of course, there are plenty of ways in which people can watch films on the go; laptops, iPods, and portable DVD-specific players will all provide essentially the same service. Hell, I even saw a crappy watch on one of those shopping channels that you could essentially copy your DVDs too. But what all these methods have in common is pretty lousy viewing quality. The screens are inevitably tiny and are almost always affected by lighting conditions. The sound can be tinny when it comes through headphones, and you have to put up with people watching the thing over your shoulder; particularly if you use one on a train. I understand that they can help you cope with the boredom of travelling or whatever, but read a book, listen to some music, or do the crossword instead. Save films for an environment - the home theatre, or even just a big TV - which will do them a great deal more justice. Portable DVD players are, for me, just a way to recreate the unpleasantness of trying to watch a film on a plane, but without having to go through the tedious rigmarole of buying a ticket and flying somewhere.

Disproportionate Hatred

I commented on this in my Feature last month, but I just do not understand the amount of criticism some artists get. I specifically mentioned Michael Bay. I am not going to stand here and argue that Bay is the next Scorsese, Hitchcock, Kubrick or Spielberg, but it's very clear to me that the man is talented, albeit in less critically acceptable ways. He has a good eye for action, his films always look great, and there's an undeniable energy about them too. Yes, they can look like car adverts, but car adverts look cool - they have to be to sell their products. And despite the fact that there are often problems with his films in almost predictable areas, I do like the fact that he's a visual perfectionist. You'll rarely see bad cinematography, poor special effects or other things of that ilk in a Bay film. In fact, Pearl Harbour had some of the best cinematography of the last ten years, but John Schwartzman 's work was ignored because it featured in a Bay film. The man has his failings, and some would argue they render his films unwatchable. But in a world where Uwe Boll gets to make films, where Friedberg and Seltzer get to release their annual parody abominations, and where Brian Robbins thinks he's the best thing like sliced bread, I think it's important to maintain a sense of perspective.

Don't Like? Don't Watch

It's a common criticism of both critics and film fans that award shows are too long. I even commented on it myself some months back, though that was more a complaint about the most pointless category at the Oscars. But what I don't understand is the logic of complaining that they are too long, and then begrudgingly watching them anyway. If you want to force changes to anything which relies on ratings and audience perception, don't watch it, and make it clear why you're not watching it. If only five million people tuned in to watch the Oscars this year, there's no doubt in my mind that AMPAS would promise to chop an hour or so off the broadcast next year. Ultimately, it's not a big issue for me; there are two broadcasts (the Oscars and BAFTAs) that I watch every year, and I suspect most people who are seriously interested in films would do similar. So it doesn't really take up that much time at all, which seems to make complaining about it even more futile.


I Don't Care!

I've never been one for filmic gossip, but it's almost impossible to avoid these days. And, more to the point, I honestly don't understand why 90% of the stuff that gets reported is of any interest to anyone. Of course, there are occasions when the gossip, the media domination and the sheer extensiveness of the coverage is understandable. The tragic death of Heath Ledger a couple of weeks ago was the sort of shocking news that was always going to be covered in immense depth, and rightly so. It was the sort of story that unites both entertainment gossips and more serious fans and journalists. But even in the more presentable entertainment media, I have been unable to get away from speculation about the latest escapades of Angelina Jolie's womb, Britney Spears's brain, and Lindsey Lohan's vagina. I've just finished reading the paper (a relatively serious one at that), and on page three there is a gigantic picture of Britney sitting on a curb and crying, accompanied by a story about her mental health. This really has to stop.


All Over The Plex

My usual cinema is a 12-screen multiplex, and a pretty ordinary one at that. It's a bit ragged in places, but the staff are generally nice and slowly but surely it gets bits of it upgraded and fixed. But with those 12 screens, it's usual for them to only show 7 or 8 films at a time. One of the screens is a deluxe one - bigger seats and what have you - which tends to show the likely box office big hitter, so that's fair enough. But whichever film that is tends to get shown on two other normal screens as well. When I saw Sweeney Todd last week, I was in an auditorium with about 500 seats in it, and only around 30-40 of them were actually filled. Of course things get busier in the evenings, but even so it's rare for all the showings to be sold out, even on Friday and Saturday nights. On those days I can understand the logic a bit more, but is there really any need to have the same thing showing on three screens in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon? By putting on a couple of showings of the smaller releases every week I think there's a good chance the cinemas would turn a decent profit; when releases of good films are limited, people tend to flock from further away to see them.

© David Mercier
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